Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
