you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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