If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
