Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I intend to get homeless drunk
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
