I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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