Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
