I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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