I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
