I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
even my farts smell like vagina
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
