I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
