am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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