The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
