thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
