Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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