I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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