I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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