My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I need to sanitize my soul.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
