we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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