kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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