Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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