are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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