I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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