You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
