i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
