Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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