Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
