well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
