I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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