take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
please come you make the beer taste better
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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