I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
