Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
