oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
