I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
