I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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