I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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