DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Let's get the cat blown out
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
