I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
