Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
