Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
The beer is more important than you right now.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
