just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
