True but thats because hes a fetus.
if only i could text you this smell
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
