I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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