I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
