You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
