im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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