I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Randomize
