I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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