I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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