Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
