Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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